The Unbearable Poopiness of Being
My accent makes the words "duty" and "doodie" indistinguishable, which isn't what this blog is about, but feels important to mention.
CN: This post is about how microbes are all around all the time, so I wouldn’t recommend it for anyone with contamination OCD!
Time is a flat circle, and once again a study has been released proclaiming how much poop there is all over the place. On the Upper East Side, apparently, it’s an “absolutely astonishing” amount. I am deeply suspicious of any microbiologist who expresses astonishment at any ratio of fecal bacteria found on the bottoms of urbanite footwear, but I know how press releases and comms departments work, so I’ll allow it.
I’m not saying it’s wrong to be, like, a little grossed out by the harsh reality of our complete inability to escape fecal bacteria. Disgust is complicated, and highly variable—parents literally believe that their babies make better-smelling poo than other kids do—but the base instinct evolved for good reason. We don’t like stuff that’s exited the body, because those outputs often carry microbes that can hurt us if they become inputs. Ingesting the sorts of bacteria often found in poop can make you very, very sick. And yes, you should absolutely take your shoes off inside the house if you’re able.
But everybody poops, and poop is everywhere. You cannot escape it. If your baby plays on the floor? There will be poop there. This is brought up as a cautionary tale in the story I linked at the top of the post. But if this really bothers you, I’ve got bad news for you about babies and poop: The poop is coming from inside the baby. No one with a baby is not covered in poop all the time. No, you cannot see it. Yes, it is still there. And don’t get smug if you don’t have a poopy baby around to contaminate your space. There’s poop all over you too.
Remember when that study came out showing that air-powered hand dryers in public bathrooms blow bacteria all over the place? That study was totally valid; it’s probably better, at least from a public health perspective, to dry off with a single paper towel. But not long after it came out, I was in the crowded lav of a food court in Lisbon and watched a woman side-eye the sanitation offerings. There were no towels to use in lieu of the dryers. She stuck her nose in the air and loudly proclaimed “hand dryers are filthy!”
She then proceeded to hold her dripping-wet hands out far in front of her and shake herself dry like a dog. The splatter analysis would have been a doozy.
Maybe this new research will empower people everywhere to keep houseguests from unwittingly trudging filth into their homes. Maybe it will make a couple people on the UES clean up a little better after their dogs. None of this will really change anything: The poop is ever-present, and mostly that’s fine. There are so many things to worry about in this world. There are so many reasons to, say, wear a mask in public spaces and wash your hands regularly and stay home if you’re sick. You don’t need to add any extra fretting over aerosolized shit. Let this one go. Go touch grass. There will be poop on that, too.
Rachel’s Recs
here’s a place where I’ll end each newsletter, or at least some of them, with some things I’m enjoying at the moment or think you should check out
Come see me at: Books and Burlesque at Caveat, NYC on Saturday, March 11! I’ll be doing a reading from my book, but more importantly, a burlesque performer will be showcasing an act based on my book! Also, Caveat is the best. Streaming tickets are available if you’re not local, or not doing indoor events right now!
Listen to: The latest season of my podcast, The Weirdest Thing I Learned This Week! It’s what it says on the tin.
Buy: This collage art I made about gay cadavers.